Jealousy · ep. 152

jealousy, jealous me

Not long ago, I got a topic request that I kept thinking about. So if it’s something you need to hear too, I’m glad to help. Let’s talk about jealousy. Now be honest, have you ever felt jealous before?

It’s ok, I have, we likely all have been jealous at some point. A classmate has the newest phone, and so now you want it. Or you see a friend post about their awesome birthday party, and you want that to be your life. Or you notice that ONE girl always makes the team, gets picked for the solo, is every teacher’s favorite, is dating your ex, and you envy her.

jealousy is the plot

We see jealousy explored in a lot of stories. Think of a fairytale, classic book, or even a modern movie–when has jealousy ever helped the characters? The Evil Queen was jealous of Snow White’s beauty. In Pride and Prejudice, Caroline Bingley was jealous that Elizabeth Bennet had Mr. Darcy’s attention. In High School Musical, Sharpay was jealous that Gabriella got the lead part AND Troy.

It’s natural to feel jealousy creep in here and there. I don’t expect you to never feel jealous, and I don’t think you’re a bad person if you do get jealous sometimes. It’s what you do with jealousy that matters more. When not kept in check, jealousy can fester and grow into something really ugly. It can cause a lot of stress and anxiety, lead to resentment and bitter feelings, spark rumors and backstabbing, create friendship fights and break up relationships, and leave all parties involved just miserable. So how do you deal with jealousy to avoid all that? Well if it were easy, no one would struggle with jealousy. Here’s what I think:

jealousy = emotion = information

Jealousy is an emotion, and emotions can give us information. So when your jealousy light starts flashing, instead of reacting to it and doing something you might regret later, first pause. Notice what you’re feeling, emotionally and physically. Use the wheel of emotions if you need. Say it out loud or write it down. “I’m feeling jealous. I’m upset. My heart is beating faster. My forehead is aching. I’m clenching my jaw and fists.” Pausing to check in with yourself can help you stop spiraling and allow you to regulate.

Next, examine your emotions. It might feel uncomfortable at first to face how you’re feeling, but the goal is to find information in your emotions. This can help you move through it, help the emotion pass.

jealousy into what you can control

For example, a popular girl always wears the latest, expensive, name brand clothes, and you feel jealous that she’s so trendy. Then you look closer at your emotions, and behind them is insecurity and longing. That’s fair.

In this situation (and many others), there are elements that are out of your control–you can’t make those clothes less expensive or make your parents buy them for you. So instead, focus on what you can control. You could wait a few weeks for when the trendy clothes go on sale. Or you could get a similar style at a more-affordable store. Or you could earn money to help pay for the items you really really want. Or you could be okay with what you have and focus less on what you don’t. You’ve got a lot of options there.

jealousy into gratitude

How about, your neighbor posts about their awesome family vacation, and you feel jealous that your family doesn’t plan trips like that. Then you examine your emotions, and underneath the jealousy is disappointment and FOMO. And those are all valid.

But then you think back on your summer, and the shows your family watched together, and how you still had a lot of fun laughing and quoting lines and analyzing the episodes together. So then your emotions start to shift into gratitude for what you DID get to do that summer.

jealousy into owning your part

Let’s say you’re jealous of your teammate who was chosen as a starting player but you weren’t. Then you dig a little deeper into your emotions, and unearth inadequacy and judgment. Oooh. Sometimes jealousy is more about us than it is about others.

So what next? You can keep showing up as a good teammate and support other players. You could also focus on your own performance, and not compare or judge others. You could ask your coach where you can improve, and accept their constructive feedback.

jealousy into holding boundaries

What about, you try to flirt with your crush, but he lets you know he and your best friend are talking, and now you feel jealous of her. Ouch. Let’s lean into emotions some more, and reveal disappointment and embarrassment.

This is a tough one, but not impossible to navigate. I’d start with some self compassion–you got your hopes up, you got shut down, that stinks. But that was just one person who didn’t like you back; there are many other potential ships out there. You also need to decide if your established best friendship is more important to you than the possibility of something with this crush. And if your BFF wins, you’ll need to figure out some boundaries to keep jealousy from interfering with your friendship. That could mean letting your friend know how you feel, or choosing not to be the third wheel with them, or deciding your crush is actually better as your friend and not making things weird. Save the love triangles for novels.

jealousy into "the story I'm telling myself'

Last example, you feel jealous when another student receives an award you were hoping to get. Ooof. When you face your emotions, you notice you feel overlooked and worthless. And you carry them with you for a while.

I want to share something I heard from Brené Brown, the idea is “The story I’m telling myself.” In this case, when you feel jealous of this student, you start to create a narrative around why they got the award and you didn’t, you fill in the gaps with your own details, you make meaning out of the event and what it says about you.

So “the story I’m telling myself is …” and you fill in the blank. But then you need to recognize that it’s just that–a story; not the facts or truth. And if you can separate the two, then you’ll be able to work through, and eventually set down those heavy emotions you were carrying.

when has jealousy ever helped anyone?

I’m not gonna sugar coat it, jealousy is hard–even when you’re an adult. But jealousy doesn’t have to control you. When you notice it, remember to pause. Notice what you’re feeling emotionally and physically. Then examine your emotions to get more information. Work through them by practicing gratitude, focusing on what you CAN control, owning your part in it, holding boundaries, and recognizing the story you’re telling yourself.

With time you’ll look back on the things you were jealous over, and they’ll probably seem silly. Some things you feel jealous about will sting for a bit though, or longer. But like I said about the stories, when has jealousy ever helped anyone? Okay. Remember that.

Resources

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