Not Actually Romantic • ep. 159

red flag phrases

We’ve talked in the past about Relationship Red Flags (ep. 094). Stemming off that, I want to discuss some phrases that at first might sound like a compliment but they’re not actually romantic–they’re concerning. While this is a bit sensitive, I think it’s really important to talk about so you girls can recognize the signs and get help sooner.

you're so mature for your age

First, “You’re so mature for your age.” Sounds like a good thing, right? Especially when you’re trying to fit in with an older crowd, being told that you’re more mature than your peers seems really great!

Growing up, I was always the youngest–in my family, in my friend groups, in my grade, later in my college circles. I just got used to being the youngest and tried my best to hang with those older than me. On multiple occasions, from my young teens into college, guys would comment that I was so mature for my age. And I loved hearing it! That phrase made me feel like they didn’t see me as the baby; they saw me as the young woman I was trying to be.

Here’s the problem I have with the phrase, “You’re so mature for your age.” It’s often said by a crush or romantic interest who’s at least a few years older–and they know it, since they’re saying you’re so mature. They share it as a compliment meant to flatter you, which makes you feel special and want to act even more mature than your age. And because you’re young and impressionable, they may try to coerce you into things you don’t actually want to do. But you want them to keep thinking you’re so mature so you go along with it.

Bottom line, “You’re so mature for your age” is not actually romantic; it’s manipulative and predatory. Also why is someone their age trying to get closer to someone who’s younger? Seems like they’re so immature for their age.

you're not like other girls

Next, “You’re not like other girls.” Again, sounds like a high compliment. Makes you feel unique. Ranks you higher as you compete against other girls for your crush’s attention and affection. That phrase is often paired with, “All of my exes were crazy,” and apparently you’re not like them. Another like it is, “I thought you were different” (from other girls).

The problem I have with “You’re not like other girls” and similar phrases is now you feel like you have to keep being “not like other girls.” You might feel pressured to act differently than your authentic self just to maintain this crush’s interest in you. You try to seem cool and, again, do things you don’t actually want to do, because you don’t want to be just like other girls.

And what does “You’re not like other girls” even mean to them? What were the other girls doing? What made them so crazy? If these girls didn’t allow themselves to be controlled, if they were standing up for themselves, if they were drawing and holding boundaries, that doesn’t make them crazy. But maybe the person trying to control them is. And it’s not actually romantic.

Also can we stop putting other girls down in general? I’m not saying all girls are perfect angels, but disrespecting girls as a whole is sexist and getting really old. You can be like other girls, and keep your own uniqueness too, without stepping on them to climb higher.

no on understands you like I do

Another phrase, “No one understands you like I do” or “cares about you like I do.” Aww it sounds like they have a lot of feelings for you, they know you so well, they see and accept you. And during your tween and teen years, with all the changes you go through, you want to have someone get you–especially when it feels like your parents/teachers/coaches/other trusted adults, your siblings, or your friends don’t get you.

The problem I have with “No one understands you like I do” is it puts that person in between you and your parents/teachers/coaches/other trusted adults, siblings, friends, anchor relationships. They may try to prevent you from spending time with those people, or turn you against them. They might even try to convince you that they know what’s best for you better than you do.

It’s important to watch out for those warning signs that someone is trying to take over your relationships, your decisions, and your life. And as soon as you recognize it (or someone else does and lets you know) put some distance between you and whoever thinks they understand you best. That’s not actually romantic. If they really cared about you, they would allow you to lead your own life.

comments about how you look

Finally, there are many phrases under this umbrella–comments about how you look. Now I know it feels good to receive compliments like, “You look so pretty,” “I love how you did your hair,” etc. And if you’ve been here a while, you know I think there’s more important things about you than how you look. But physical compliments aren’t going away any time soon.

Here’s when I have a problem with them. First, if all someone talks about is how you look, and they don’t notice any of your other characteristics and qualities, that’s a flag. I understand there’s an element of attraction in relationships, but if all someone cares about is looks, it’s not actually romantic and that relationship will probably stay superficial.

Another concern I have with comments about how you look is insults disguised as jokes. If you remember from ep. 138 My Birthday Breakup, a boyfriend of mine once picked up a pair of my jeans, read the size out loud and said, “Well you’re just a big girl!” Making a joke about someone’s appearance at their expense isn’t funny or romantic.

I have another “boyfriend and clothes” story I don’t think I’ve shared on the podcast yet. My boyfriend and I were exchanging Christmas gifts. I opened his present and pulled out a ribbed turtleneck sweater. As I noticed the size he bought me (smaller than I normally wore), he said, “I think you should wear tighter clothes.” The problem there is he was objectifying me and trying to change how I dressed to please him. Shortly after that, we broke up.

Comments about how you look, especially when that’s all someone notices, or if it’s a joke/insult, or if it’s objectifying you–all of that is not actually romantic. There’s so much more to who you are, how you think, and what you can do. And you deserve someone who notices that.

These takes are my opinions, but hopefully now this is on your radar so you can watch for warning signals and respond sooner than later. And if you’re ever unsure about something, I encourage you to talk to a trusted adult you know. Good talk, girls.

Resources

If you have a topic suggestion, I’d love to hear from you! Send an email (tweens get the OK from your parents) to [email protected] .

If you have social media already, follow me on Insta, TikTok, or YouTube @empowerfulgirls. I’m not encouraging or endorsing social media, but I’m on there to offer an unfiltered, uplifting alternative to what’s in your feed. Remember to get on the email list for the newsletter!

Also, if you enjoy listening to 10 for Teens + Tweens, I would truly appreciate you telling your friends about this podcast or leaving a review so others can find it and feel uplifted, too! Your support means the world to me!