Gossip • ep. 157
Gossip • ep. 157
get the details on gossip
I sincerely appreciate you gals sending in topic ideas, and this one has come up a few times. I reviewed past episodes, and this topic has been mentioned a few times, but it needs its own dedicated episode. Let’s talk about gossip! There are a few angles we’ll cover–gossip in general, what you can do when gossip starts up, and what you can do when the gossip is about you.
what counts as gossip
First, what is gossip? What counts as gossip? Is it gossip only if it’s mean? Or only if it’s not true? Does it depend on if the person spreading it has bad intentions? Let’s define it.
The Cambridge Dictionary defines “gossip,” the noun, as “conversation or reports about other people's private lives that might be unkind, disapproving, or not true.” Miriam Webster Dictionary defines “gossip,” the noun, as, “rumors or information about the behavior or personal lives of other people.”
Those definitions are a bit different, but I think it’s all of the above. “Gossip” can be mean, can be untrue, can be a rumor, and it can also be just private details. There are also definitions of “a gossip,” like an individual. Cambridge says “A gossip is also someone who enjoys talking about other people’s private lives,” and Miriam Webster says it’s “a person who habitually reveals personal or sensational facts about others.” BTW “habitually” means constantly, like a habit. And “gossip,” the verb, is essentially the act of doing those things.
our society loves gossip
As much as we don’t want to admit it – a lot of people love gossip! Spill the tea! They want all the juicy details (also to make sure it’s not about them). There were six seasons of “Gossip Girl,” a show based on the novel series, and it centered on teenagers’ secrets getting broadcast via text and a blog, and the friendship and family drama that followed. And plenty of reality shows depend on contestants gossiping to form alliances, then there’s backstabbing, which makes the show more interesting and exciting to some people. In no way am I excusing or encouraging it; I’m trying to illustrate our society’s obsession with gossip.
why folks gossip
There are a variety of reasons why someone starts or spreads gossip. They may want to elevate their social status, or feel important, or get attention because they know things. They may not feel great about themselves or their life, so they think gossiping about someone else will make them feel better. They may be bored, enjoy starting drama, like to feel in control. They may be jealous of someone, or even mad and want revenge. They may just want to be included and accepted, so they offer gossip as a way in. None of those are excuses or justifications, btw, just reasons why.
You know the saying, “Bad news travels fast.” Gossip does too. Especially in this digital age, gossip can spread in an instant, and it can change as it’s passed along. Gossip often leads to hurt feelings, factions within friend groups (take sides), friendship fights or breakups, and can also lead to more gossip, like a vicious cycle. Gossip can impact someone’s reputation, not just the person the gossip is about, but also the person who started it, and who else was part of it.
when gossip starts up
There’s a sound I’ve heard on Reels that people add to a video of like a group of cats huddled together. The sound is women whispering, “Honestly, I love her, but she’s kind of a problem.” “Me too, and I hope that she’s okay but …” And it’s funny to imagine that’s what animals say to each other. But those kinds of disclaimers that start out nice, then there’s a big “but” afterward, are a cue for incoming gossip.
So what do you do when gossip starts up? I mean the simple answer is – don’t start it and don’t be part of it; walk away, leave the group chat. It’s simple but it’s not easy, especially when you weigh the social consequences. What if the group judges you? What if they cut you off? What if they start gossipping about you?
So what do you do if you DON'T leave when there’s gossip? Not say anything? You’re still part of the gossip sesh though, and if the gossip is about one of your friends, they might be upset that you were there, even if you didn’t say anything. Standing up to others can be hard, but if you hold to your values and your boundaries, that can make it easier.
For example, one of my values is Loyalty–to my friends, my family. So if someone starts talking badly or spreading gossip about my friend, I’m going to stick up for her and draw a boundary, “Hey that’s my friend, I’d appreciate you not talking about her in front of me.” Or if some ladies start complaining about their husbands, I’ll draw a boundary right away and let them know I don’t participate in that.
Typically that’s enough to shut down the gossip, and people change the subject. But you may get pushback, they may justify the gossip, they may drag you into it. You can’t control how others will react; you can only control how you respond. So you could say, “I don’t think that’s our business.” “I don’t like talking about people behind their back.” “I don’t think that’s accurate.” “There’s more to the story, you could talk to him about it.” Did you notice, most of those were “I” statements. People are typically less defensive when you use them.
Even after hearing me share all of that, the truth is – you’re probably going to gossip at some point. So if you do, you need to be very careful who you share it with. Again, I’m not encouraging gossip, rumors, or secrets. But if you’re gonna share them, make sure you trust who you’re talking to, and that their loyalty isn’t with someone else, or you could get sabotaged. They could leak what you said, and hurt both you and the person you were talking about. So that’s my caution; probably better not to gossip period.
when the gossip is about you
Lastly, what do you do when you’re the subject of gossip? That can really sting. There were a few days in junior high that I didn’t want to go to school because of gossip others were spreading about me. I’ll share a few things I want you to remember and a few ways to respond.
Please remember the reasons I shared earlier why people gossip. The reasons all had way more to do with the person spreading the gossip than the person the gossip was about. Sometimes hurt people hurt people. So if someone is gossiping about you, I’m sorry. They may be trying to cope (unhealthily) with whatever they’re dealing with by taking it out on you. Which isn’t okay. Even if what they’re saying is true, gossip isn’t the way to handle it. Instead they could address the situation with you directly, have a conversation about it, “be curious, not judgemental.” We need more productive communication; gossip isn’t it.
So instead of gossiping back, you could respond by … doing nothing and ignoring what is being said. Remember that what others say says more about them than it does about you. You could remind people of that fact, too. My mom used to say, “Consider the source.” If someone frequently shares gossip like a tabloid, they’re probably not to be trusted much. You could also shut it down, “That doesn’t sound like something I’d do.” You could tell your friends to back you up and debunk it when they hear people gossiping about you.
If you want to address them directly, calmly talk (not confront) them face to face. I know you keep in touch on your phones, but there’s a high rate of misunderstanding with text, so in-person conversations are better. Again, use “I” statements so the person who shared the gossip is less defensive. “I felt bad when I heard that gossip about me.” “I don’t like when people talk behind my back.” “I would appreciate people coming to me first to get my side of the story before sharing it with others.” “This information is personal, and I would appreciate you all respecting my privacy.”
other gossip situations
Now there may be a gossip situation where you need to talk to your parents, a trusted adult, or even your teacher/coach/school administrator. If someone repeatedly targets you with gossip, that could be considered bullying and it may need additional authority to address it. If you can document it (like write down when stuff happens, who was involved, what was said, etc.) that will help your case.
One more thing. If you hear gossip about someone in distress – physical, emotional, mental – please tell your parent/trusted adult/school staff. If someone is in an unsafe situation, or is unsafe to themselves or others, that’s not something to gossip about; it needs to be addressed and it’s bigger than what you alone can handle. So let someone in charge know, and they’ll take it from there.
I hope that these tools help you handle the next time gossip starts spreading. These situations can be tricky, but practice makes progress, and these are life skills you’ll use for years to come.
Resources
Other episodes that talk about friendship and navigating conflicts are:
ep. 011 Find (and Be) a Good Friend
ep. 139 Spilling the Tea on Secrets
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