Let’s Tackle Tough Topics

I’ve been working on this episode for more than a month, and I’m finally ready to share it. It’s a tough topic. But because there are boys your age who are being taught certain beliefs and behaviors, I think it’s important that you learn about this so you can recognize it.

“Boys will be boys”

There’s a saying you may have heard that goes, “Boys will be boys.” What do you think that means, and what comes to mind? Over the years I understood it as boys’ actions are to be expected and shrugged off without consequences. Like, boys can get away with being rude, aggressive, or inappropriate (however, girls are given different expectations). Maybe you’ve seen this play out at your school or with friends and family. And maybe you felt the only way you could respond was a side eye or eye roll or shaking your head, because, “Boys will be boys,” right?

“He’s mean to you because he likes you”

I’m also curious if you’ve ever been told that when a boy is mean to you or he teases you, it’s because he likes you. Even if you haven’t heard that, it’s another common belief. This idea that ‘the reason a boy is unkind to a girl is because he actually has a crush on her’ is problematic on multiple levels. For one, it seems to justify and excuse his behavior, making it acceptable for boys to continue being mean to girls. It also sends the message that boys don’t need to learn healthy relationship skills, and girls should put up with boys mistreating them. And it makes girls misinterpret boys being mean as interest and affection, so girls learn to expect unkind behavior from boys instead of recognizing it as a sign of unhealthy relationships, or instead of holding boys accountable for their actions. I wish I could say it gets better as you get older, but for some boys, it actually gets worse. I know that I’m generalizing boys here, and I fully acknowledge that it’s not all boys and men–but it’s *enough* boys and men, and it’s part of an ongoing problem that has existed for far too long.

History + Sexism

Throughout history, men as a whole have viewed themselves as superior to women (I know it sounds harsh but it’s an unfortunate fact) so for centuries women were treated as unequal. Circumstances didn’t improve until the turn of the 20th century when groups of women started speaking out about rights that men had but women had been denied (like the right to vote, own property, get an education, work in certain jobs, serve in the military, have bodily autonomy, etc.) That gender-based discrimination, and the belief that men are superior to women, is called “sexism.” And even though those women’s rights bills passed and became laws and amendments, sexism didn’t go away, it endured and exists even today (like women still don’t earn as much money as men doing the same job, there are far fewer women than men in executive positions, STEM fields, and government offices; women are expected to do domestic tasks, and are stereotyped as emotional, dramatic, incompetent). All of that and more is sexism.

Misogyny

There is also a darker, more sinister kind of sexism that’s called “misogyny,” which is the hatred of women. Misogyny is more blatant than sexism, like if a man believes women should only be secretaries and shouldn’t be CEOs because he doesn’t want a female boss and thinks only men are capable leaders, that’s misogynistic.  

Toxic Masculinity

Over the past few years we’ve seen a rise in sexism and misogyny among some men and even boys your age because they are learning it from popular alpha male YouTubers and podcast bros. These guys promote toxic masculinity–the belief that guys should be tough, controlling, not show emotion (unless it’s anger), and that guys should be critical of–yet also entitled to–girls.

Recent Examples We’ve Seen

Recently there’s been an increase of misogynistic content online connected to the US election. Some guys vowed not to vote for Kamala Harris simply because she is a woman (despite her qualifications). I actually received several comments from men claiming the 19th Amendment was a mistake and should be repealed (meaning women shouldn’t get to vote). And you might’ve heard that after the election, a podcast bro shared both on the air and on X the phrase, “Your body, my choice.” That post was viewed 100 million times and even liked 52 thousand times. On top of that, at multiple schools across the country, some boys even chanted that phrase at girls.

Bad for Boys + Men, too

Sexism, misogyny and toxic masculinity aren’t just bad for girls and women though. They also harm boys and men because they create this expectation of what it means to be a man, which is a lot of pressure to live up to, and can negatively impact guys’ mental health and relationships. But if a guy *doesn’t* fit that manly mold, they’re viewed by both themselves and by society as unmasculine, weak and inadequate, and again their mental health and relationships suffer. All in all, sexism, misogyny and toxic masculinity are a lose-lose situation for girls and boys, women and men. And they’re not going away any time soon, not when boys’ role models are influencers, celebrities and world leaders who are arrogant, immoral, dishonest, vulgar, irresponsible, yet immune.

Speak Up to Speak Out

So where do we go from here? What can you do? Societal change takes a while, but you can still make a difference in your circles by speaking up. Your voice is so important and is so needed right now. Here are some examples of how you can speak up:

Similar to my suggestions in episode 081, if a boy makes a sexist comment or joke, you can draw a boundary: “Please don’t say things like that around me.” If they try to make an excuse like, “It was just a joke!” you can reply, “It wasn’t funny.” And if they keep saying similar things, you can walk away and keep your distance. Another idea, you could ask them, “What did you mean by that?” And having to explain their sexist comment might make them think twice about doing it again. You could share your shock, “Whoa!” or “Yikes!” and just leave it at that. Or you could inform them, either in the moment or later in private that what they said was sexist and hurtful.

For repeated sexist or misogynistic behavior, like focusing on girls’ appearance, being critical of girls’ efforts or leadership, objectifying girls, showing them unwanted attention or gestures, interrupting girls or taking credit for their ideas–for those and more, you need to talk to an adult in charge (parent, teacher, counselor, coach, etc.) I understand that some situations may be more sensitive, but do not stay silent; even if you can’t call it out in the moment, still make sure your voice is heard.

Rephrase “Boys will be …”

Boys and men are so much more than society’s narrow definition of masculine. And the sooner we stop reducing them to it, expecting them to be it, and allowing them to do it, the better off everyone will be. Boys are creative and expressive. Boys have emotions and cry too. Boys can be mindful and responsible. Instead of “Boys will be boys,” how about, “Boys will be … kind, respectful, and accountable.”

Resources

To help you with this, here are some middle grade novels that explore this topic:

Maybe He Just Likes You, by Barbara Dee
The Prettiest, by Brigit Young
Dress Coded, by Carrie Firestone
Restart, by Gordon Korman

And for parents:

Sexism & Sensibility, by Dr. Jo-Ann Finkelstein
Boy Mom, by Ruth Whippman

If you have a topic suggestion, I’d love to hear from you! Send an email (tweens get the OK from your parents) to hello@EmpowerfulGirls.com .

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