Guess Who’s Back

Back by popular demand, we’re talking about crushes + ships again. OoooOOOoooh! Now, like I said last time, if you don’t have any crushes yet or at the moment, no worries. You can stash this away in your memory for when you need it. In the last Crushes episode, number 042, we talked about being just friends, more than friends, dance dates, and relationship red flags, so revisit it if you need. Today we’re talking about what to look for in a crush, how to talk to your crush, what if your crush doesn’t like you back, and more. 

Character Traits > Physical Traits

What should you look for in a crush/relationship?
Instead of just focusing on someone’s looks or reputation, remember to pay attention to their personality and character, because that’s what builds a better relationship. Waaay back in episode 011, we talked about positive friendship attributes. Let me quickly refresh your memory. Dr. Suzanne Degges-White named 13 Essential Traits of Good Friends that I think are also important in other relationships, including crushes and significant others: Trustworthiness, Honesty, Dependability, Loyalty, Caring, Empathy, Accepting, Good listening skills, Supportiveness, Congeniality, Self-confidence, Fun, Humor.

I also thought of a bunch more qualities we can add to the positive traits list: Respect, Kindness, Love and Compassion, Forgiveness, Generosity, Thoughtfulness, Reciprocation, Deep connection, No guilt or pressure, Happiness/Optimism, Helpfulness, Humility, Manners, Patience, Encouragement, Good sport, Team player, Silliness, Adventurousness, Playfulness, Common interests, Individuality. 

Now, like I said in episode 011, this is not a checklist, so if your crush doesn’t match every single one of these, that doesn’t mean you should end things right now. Decide which qualities are most important to you in a relationship, and consider how you feel when you are with that person. Also, you may not have all of these traits yourself, but that doesn’t mean you’re not relationship material. If you want to develop more of these qualities, you can work on that.

Is It Cool That I Said All That

Should you tell your crush you like them?
Good question. Are you unsure because you don’t know how your crush feels about you? Letting someone know how you feel is vulnerable–it could go very well if they feel the same, or go very wrong if they don’t, and then make things weird between you. But you’ll never know until you know. If your crush feels the same way, or doesn’t, at least you won’t be in the dark anymore, and you can move on, either with the relationship or not.

If you’re unsure about telling your crush you like them because you already have a friendship established and you don’t want to ruin it, yeah that’s a tough call. You could just continue with how things are going and strengthen your relationship as good friends. Sometimes time can be helpful to let things unfold naturally instead of rushing in. So depending on your situation, decide what you feel is the best approach.

Someone Spills Your Tea

What do you do when someone tells your crush you like them?
Ooh first thing is don’t flip out. To avoid back and forth he said/she said drama, just talk to your crush yourself. Let them know you heard someone told them about you, and see how your crush responds. Based on their reaction, you’ll be able to tell if they are crushing back. Also, talk to whoever told your crush, tell them that wasn’t okay and to respect your privacy. If it was one of your friends, remind them that good friends don’t jeopardize each others’ potential relationships.

Just Not That In To You

What do you do if your crush doesn’t like you back?
It can be rough when you put yourself out there and get turned down. So first, acknowledge your feelings. Rejection is hard, and it hurts, so let yourself go through your emotions. Also the sooner you accept your crush doesn’t feel the same, the sooner you can move forward. Remember episode 020 Cope with Change–suffering = pain x resistance. Don’t make yourself suffer any more than you have to. This rejection doesn’t change your worth, and you don’t need to get hung up on someone who doesn’t care that way about you. Continue enjoying the friendships you currently have and focus on spending time with people who want to spend time with you. 

We Can Be Friends

How do you turn down someone who is crushing on you but you don’t feel the same?
If you’re asking this question it shows that you’re a considerate person, you’re not just gonna ghost them. So because rejection is hard, try to let them down gently. A lot of people say things like, “I just want to be friends,” and if that’s true, you can say it. But if not, instead say, “I appreciate you letting me know, I just don’t feel the same way.” You’re actually drawing a boundary here, so be clear and kind. However if this IS a good friendship you want to preserve if possible, you could say, “I really respect you as a person,” and share some good qualities you see in them, then say, “ I truly value your friendship and don’t want to potentially jeopardize that.” This friend may need some space and some time after being rejected, so offer them that and try to be understanding. Hopefully the dust will settle and you’ll be able to continue your friendship.

Can We Just Talk

How do you talk to someone you like?
Consider this, if someone came up to you and was like, “I like you! You’re cute! We should go out!” you’d probably be overwhelmed because they came on too strong. That’s like cannon balling right into the deep end. So instead, think beach entry into a pool. Start by talking to your crush or just texting casually. Get to know them, their interests, their personality by asking them questions and responding to their answers. They should ask you questions, too. Establish a friendship foundation–I’m not saying stay in the friend zone, I’m saying you need something to build a relationship on first. Then you can be a little flirty here and there, hint at your feelings about them and see how they respond. If they reciprocate flirting, you’ll know they feel similarly about you.

No Rush to Crush

Final thoughts about crushes and ships–you don’t need to rush into any relationship. You don’t need a boyfriend, you don’t have to have a relationship because everyone else has one. You have so many great things going on in your life, and relationships are part of it, but don’t be so focused on a crush that you forget about the other positive relationships and friendships you already have.

Resources

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