Under Pressure

Alright, multiple gals have requested an episode on Peer Pressure, and I’m not saying I feel “pressured” into talking about this! I know it’s a common challenge among youth and clearly it’s something that’s on your mind. You’re up against many pressures today–parents’ expectations, achievement culture, perfectionism, comparison, money, future college and career. But for some of you, peer pressure may be the toughest pressure you face.

Why It’s So Hard

Sometimes peer pressure makes you give in and go along with what others are doing, makes you change your habits, appearance or choices to ones that don’t actually align with you. Because–you want to fit in, you want to receive others’ approval and acceptance, you want to be seen as cool or popular. AND you also fear not belonging, you’re afraid of getting rejected or iced out, and you don’t want to be seen as a loser.

I’ve told you before that what you think about yourself matters more than what others think about you. AND I also know that for a lot of you gals, what others think of you is REALLY important to you. Your friendships and relationships are a big part of your life and they have a huge influence on you. So I want to acknowledge the social pressure you’re up against. Even if some adults are dismissive and tell you not to worry because it won’t be a big deal in five years, I want to validate that it IS a big deal to you right now and you need to learn how to navigate it. Because the time to decide how to handle peer pressure isn’t WHEN it happens, but well before it happens. I don’t expect you to predict every single pressure situation you may face in the future, but there are some scenarios that are more likely to happen, and it’s good to have a plan in place for when they do.

Dares

Let’s start with a personal story. At the beginning of seventh grade, I went to my first after-school dance. I remember having lots of fun with my friends, and toward the end of the dance, I think one girl pointed out a boy, and told me that he liked me or thought I was cute or something. And even though I did not know this boy, I got really excited and I guess I thought he was cute too. So we started talking or dancing, and after a very short time, one of the girls dared us like, “You two should kiss!” and they all started egging us on. So … we did–it was a very small kiss, and all the girls went bananas, and I just felt overwhelmed by pressure, there was nothing special about that moment. The two of us started “going out” but quickly realized we did not have anything in common, and things ended almost as quickly as they began. That unfortunately is the story of my very first kiss, and it’s really lame that how it happened was from a dare. 

At some point your friends are going to dare you to do something. Maybe something silly for social media. Maybe something dumb as a prank. Or even something risky or dangerous. And when all eyes are on you, even if you don’t want to do the dare, it will be hard not to give in to peer pressure.

Ultimatums

Or what if your best friend wants you to let them copy your math homework, or tells you to stop hanging out with someone they don’t like, or asks you to cover for them so they don’t get in trouble. They may say, I thought we were friends, if you actually value our friendship, you’ll do this for me.

This could also play out in romantic relationships, like when your crush asks you to lie to your parents about where you were, or they want you to send them inappropriate pictures or videos (remember Online Safety episode 122), or they keep nagging you to be more physically affectionate (episode 058 Boundaries Crossing). They may say, if you really care about me, if you really love me, you’ll do this. Whether it’s friendships or relationships, that kind of ultimatum is massive peer pressure.

Everybody’s doing it

And then there’s the herd mentality of “Everyone’s doing it so you should, too.” This is sometimes coupled with YOLO (You Only Live Once) and/or FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). For example, another story. When I was in 9th grade, my friends were playing night games around the holiday season. Someone thought it would be funny to sneak into my neighbors’ yards and disconnect a lightbulb on the holiday lights in their bushes so all of the lights on the strand went out (back then that’s how they worked). And this was before security cameras and video doorbells were common, so they didn’t think we’d get caught. I actually didn’t like the idea since this was my neighborhood and I knew these families, but I also didn’t want them to think I was lame, plus everyone else wanted to do it. So we started sneaking around a few houses and tried not to laugh too loud as we Grinched our way down the street. And then at one house the porch lights suddenly turned on and my neighbor opened the front door. We instantly scattered in different directions and that neighbor drove around looking for us as we hid in other people’s yards. While I did not get caught, I was still scared.

Another time a few years later, I was actually in college, and a few guys invited my friends and I over to watch a movie I hadn’t seen before. Very shortly into the movie it got creepy and gross, and I started feeling really uncomfortable watching it. I wanted to go home, but I didn’t want to leave my friends there, and everyone else seemed okay with the movie. So I just sat through it, feeling uncomfortable the entire time. To this day, I regret not leaving sooner. But when everybody’s doing it, there’s a lot of peer pressure to just go along with it.

How To Withstand Peer Pressure

So when you find yourself in similar situations, when peer pressure is mounting and you feel your stomach twist in knots, your mind is racing not knowing what to do, here are some things to remember.

Core Values
First, I think it’s important that, even before these scenarios come up, you identify your core values, your belief system of what’s important to you. If someone pressures you to cheat or be dishonest, and you already know that you value honesty and integrity, then saying no and resisting that pressure will be a lot easier. If you value treating people with respect, and people are making fun of someone, you’ll feel wrong about joining in, you might even stand up for the person getting bullied. When you’re faced with a choice, and you already know it’s not for you, then you don’t even have to weigh your options, you already know what to do. Making choices that align with you and your core values will help you stay true to yourself even when faced with peer pressure.

Consequences
Another thing to consider is consequences. I don’t mean you need to catastrophize every possible outcome. But if your friends are pressuring you to make a choice that would break your parents’ trust, consider what consequences could follow–getting grounded, having your phone taken away, etc. If you and a classmate get caught pulling a prank at school, you might get detention or suspended. If someone keeps bugging you to text them a pic and they promise not to show anyone, there’s still a chance others may see it too. Although YOU are in charge of your choices and actions, you can’t control other people’s choices and actions or the aftermath. So it’s a good idea to think things through before deciding what to do. 

Intuition
I also think you should learn to listen to your intuition. Everyone has an inner voice or instincts or a conscience that sends inner warning signals or red flags. Like in Star Wars, they say, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” It’s like that. When a scenario gives you the ick, even if people are pressuring you to give in, trust your gut. Maybe nothing awful will happen, but you don’t have to stick around waiting to find out. If you’re up against peer pressure and something about it feels wrong, listen to your intuition.

Say No
Lastly, practice saying, “No.” Drawing your boundaries can be hard when you’re dealing with the people you’re closest to. You don’t want to seem uncool, you don’t want to be excluded, you don’t want to disappoint people, you don’t want to miss out. I get it. But if you don’t want to do whatever it is they’re pressuring you to do, then don’t do it. Say “No thanks,” “Not feeling it,” “I’ll pass,” “That’s not for me,” “I’m good,” or just plain, “No.” No is a complete sentence. And if your friends keep pressuring you to do things you don’t want to do, even when you’ve told them no repeatedly, you might want to look for new friends who will respect you and your boundaries, and make you feel more comfortable when you’re around them.

I recognize that you gals deal with a lot of tough stuff that, I don’t pretend to know all you’re up against. My hope is that, as you stand up to peer pressure, asserting yourself will help you grow your sense of self. You’ll understand your values, you’ll trust your instincts, and you’ll know who you are. You’ve got this.

Resources

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