Worst Birthday Gift Ever

It’s my birthday week! I am grateful to celebrate another trip around the sun, reflect on the past year, and set intentions for the year ahead.

And it’s been 20 years since I got the worst birthday gift I’ve ever received. I’m sure you wanna know what it was. I’m not just gonna spill tea in this episode, there’s a lesson to take from it, too. But first I need to tell you the backstory, the lore, if you will.

The Lore

The winter of my sophomore year of college, a guy moved into my apartment complex, and we started talking, and then we started dating. And we had a ton of fun together, were nearly inseparable, our friend groups got along, things were going great. He took a summer job out of state, we continued dating long distance, I even went out to visit.

He came back in the fall, we kept dating, even visited his family for the holidays. After a year together, it got kind of bumpy but we smoothed things out. At that point I was almost finished with my degree, I took a job at a news station and moved about 45 minutes north, and he took another summer job out of state.

We sorta kept dating long-distance, but when he came back for fall semester, we didn’t see each other much because of my job. On my days off I had my last two classes, so sometimes I’d see him when I was in town for school. We were trying to figure out if we should take the next step in our relationship (marriage) or if we should end things.

On my birthday, a new roommate moved in to my apartment, and I helped her and her dad get her settled before I left to meet up with my friends to celebrate my birthday. We went to a spot up the canyon, played games, had cake, we had a great time. That guy was there too, and later that evening, we hung out at his apartment. We talked, cuddled, and kissed, but then abruptly he confessed it just didn’t feel right, this was not going to work.

I was crushed. Deep down I also didn’t feel right about it, but it was still devastating. I thought I was going to marry him, but he was breaking up with me. It was the worst birthday “gift” I had ever received. I cried the whole 45-minute drive home, and honestly I was depressed for the next few months.

We had made so many amazing memories together over the last year and a half–going on countless dates, making dinners, watching sports, playing video games, attending concerts, traveling, laughing together. Now that was over, I felt like I’d lost a piece of myself.

Sunk Cost Fallacy

But when I reflected on our relationship, I started realizing there were some elements I had made excuses for because we had dated for so long (at least for our faith’s culture). It was like a relationship sunk-cost fallacy, when a person stays in an unhealthy relationship because they’ve invested so much time and effort and energy into it. I didn’t want to lose what we had, but in trying to hold on, I overlooked what wasn’t working and things I should’ve flagged.

When we were dating, I often felt like I was a trophy he would show off to make himself look better. And when we were taking a break during some bumps, he immediately started dating a girl, but when I went out with someone, he completely flipped out. Apparently it was okay if he dated other people, but not okay if I did.

Another flag was, although he tried hard to charm my parents, he said unkind and judgemental things about my siblings. He also focused a lot on my appearance, and I felt like I had to meet his expectations. One time he picked up a pair of my jeans, read the size out loud and said, “Well you’re just a big girl!” Even if he was kidding, I did not think it was funny. 

After he broke up with me, he called me periodically to “check in” on me, and he’d then tell me about his new girlfriend and the expensive gifts he’d bought her. A few months later he even told me about how he proposed to her, and he invited me to their wedding. I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t leave me alone and move on.

My ex-boyfriend and I went through a lot during our year and a half together–ups and downs, fun and frustration, happiness and heartbreak. We both made mistakes, and I truly hope he treated his next relationship better than ours. While that breakup is still the worst birthday “gift” I have ever received, that whole relationship experience taught me so much about myself, what I could give to a relationship, what I needed from one, and how I deserved to be treated.

Spot the Difference

A few months later, my roommate and I were driving around near my old college when her guy friend called. Since we were nearby, he told her to come visit so he could meet me. Apparently my roommate’s dad had told this guy friend about me–remember, I met her dad on my birthday when I helped her move in. Anyway, I really didn’t want to meet him, I felt awkward about it, plus I was done with guys in that college town. But begrudgingly I went along.

From the moment I met him, I could tell he was different from the guys I typically dated. He intrigued me enough that I agreed to go out to dinner with him the next night. At the restaurant he asked me so many questions, we talked for two hours. He was genuinely interested in getting to know me–which was starkly different from other guys, who would’ve spent most of the conversation talking about themselves, their accomplishments, and their glory days.

Over the next few months this new guy repeatedly showed me he was not like other guys I had dated. He remembered things I’d said, and then he planned dates or sent me texts or gave me little gifts that showed me he was listening.

And he pursued me–multiple times a week he’d drive 45 minutes just to hang out with me; one time he even surprised me while I was out shopping. The best one though was when he was working in Las Vegas that summer, and one weekend he drove 5.5 hours to northern Utah just to surprise me and spend time with me. 

This new guy respected me, too–he made me feel beautiful, but not objectified, and he didn’t criticize how I looked or parade me around the way I had been before. This new guy didn’t get jealous either, and also didn’t hang on to his past relationships. This new guy was dependable and helpful; a few times he even dropped everything to help me out–when my sink needed fixing, when I got a flat tire, when I was crashing out, he was there. This new guy was so different from my ex-boyfriend, and had I not learned all I did from that year and a half with him, I wouldn’t have realized how great this new guy actually was, and how much better things could be.  

The Lesson

The lesson I hope you take from this is that sometime you might have a relationship or a friendship that you hold on to for longer than you should; it’s a sunk cost relationship. You make excuses and overlook things just to keep it going. You try to make things work because you’ve invested so much time and effort and energy into it. You feel absolutely crushed when it’s over; you don’t know how to keep going without them.

It might not be until after that relationship ends that you realize it was not healthy; it was a toxic relationship. You weren’t treated as well as you deserved. You weren’t respected and valued as you ought to have been. Those are hard lessons to learn, ones that you have to go through to grow through. But if you CAN learn from them, you’ll be less likely to put up with that kind of treatment again. You’ll be more likely to assert yourself, communicate your boundaries, and know what you need and what you can give in the relationship. All that time won’t have been wasted; it’ll have taught you something. And with the knowledge that you gained from that past relationship, you can grow healthier relationships in the future.

This new guy became my boyfriend, and then my fiance, and then my husband. We’ve been married for 19 years. Somehow that breakup, the worst birthday “gift” I have ever received, led to the best relationship I’ve ever had.

Resources

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