Friendship Never Ends

One of the topics you gals message me most about is friendships. And I honestly understand why. Friendships have a huge impact on you, and they’re a big and important factor throughout your tween and teen years. We’ve talked about friendships in multiple episodes– 011 Find (and Be) a Good Friend, 012 Extinguish Friendship Fires, 013 Make Friends Using Social Skills, 051 Friendship Red Flags. And since it’s been a minute, we’re gonna talk about friendships again, specifically about who you surround yourself with.

The Average

I want you to think about your closest friends, and the qualities you see in them. Remember in episode 011 we talked about Dr. Suzanne Degges-White’s 13 Essential Traits of Good Friends: Trustworthiness, Honesty, Dependability, Loyalty, Caring, Empathy, Accepting, Good listening skills, Supportiveness, Congeniality, Self-confidence, Fun, and Humor. While each of you are in charge of your own life, you also influence each other, whether you notice it or not. Speaker Jim Rhon said, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Which means your closest friends can bring your average up or down. And you have that impact on others as well.

So let’s do some math to illustrate. Hypothetically, let’s assign a numerical value between 1 and 100 to my five closest friends, and the higher the number, the more that friend has positive friendship traits like a good listening, supportive, trustworthy, etc. If my friends were peer pressuring me, were flaky, were talking behind my back, etc., their numbers would be like 64, 38, 52, 49, and 57. And the average of those (add them up, divide by 5) would be 52, that’d be my number, likely how I’d be a friend to them. 52 is like right in the middle of 1 and 100, and I don’t really want to be a mid friend. BUT–if my friends were encouraging, generous, had integrity, etc., let’s say their numbers would be 81, 95, 87, 93, and 89. And the average of those would be 88. And I like that average a lot better, that’s who I’d want to be for my friends and myself.

Please understand, my friends/your friends–they don’t run our lives for us, we’re in control of our choices and are ultimately responsible for how we show up in the world, our number. AND our friends have a significant influence on us. Like if my friends gossipped a lot, or followed toxic social media accounts, or were vaping and doing other junk, I’d likely start doing those things too. That’s the impact of the average. Also, if I switched up those friend groups, and the numbers were 81, 52, 95, 38, and 64, the average–my number–would be 66. Some friends would help bring up the average, but other friends would bring down the average, and I would likely bring others’ average down, too. You deserve friends with positive friendship traits AND your friends also deserve those traits from you too. So if you learn anything from this math example, surround yourself with friends who bring up the average when it comes to the qualities that matter to you, and help bring up their average, too.

Different 

While growing up, I misunderstood something about friendships. You know, girls are encouraged to make friends with people who have similar interests and hobbies and activities–which is still true and a great way to make friends (see episode 013). The part I misunderstood was, as I tried to find friends who liked the same things as me, I thought that meant to find friends who were the same as me, and to not pursue friendships with those who were different than me. And I don’t regret my friendships from middle and high school, I’ve just learned over the years to surround myself with friends who are NOT exactly like me, but still share the same values.

If we are only friends with people who are the same as us in how we think and dress and act and believe, our view of people and ideas and issues and the world will be very limited. But if we open ourselves up to friends with different backgrounds, beliefs, and opinions, who also share similar values as us, we’ll gain new perspectives from getting to know them and trying to understand their point of view. You can have friendships with people who are different from you so long as there’s mutual respect between you. I encourage my daughter to build friendships in multiple circles–she has dance friends, school friends, church friends, and she just made new friends at Girls Mentorship Camp. It’s not about finding friends who are your twin or your copy, it’s about finding a variety of friends who complement each other. Not “compliment” like say nice things, complement with an E in the middle, it means to fill/complete something or make it better. So as you go through life, remember to surround yourself with friends who are different, because what makes them unique, and what makes you unique, will help you both grow more than what makes you the same.

Cheerleaders

I spent last week in Scottsdale, Arizona, helping my friends Jill and Mary from Girls Mentorship (episode 123) with their Pursue More Summer Camp. Over the five days, girls built new friendships, opened up about their struggles, cheered for each other, and strengthened their own confidence. It was incredibly special to witness girls’ transformations throughout the week. On Friday we had a guest speaker, fashion stylist Risa Kostis, and she talked about her professional journey, but more importantly, she shared about overcoming obstacles and how her friendships helped expand her work.

During our discussion I shared a comment with our group, it’s a quote I’d seen shared on social media that says, “Surround yourself with friends who will mention your name in a room full of opportunities.” What do you gals think that means? To me, and what I explained was, they say it takes a village to raise a child, and adults also need a village. We need friends who will be excited for our good news and will support us when we struggle and will tell others about what we’re doing in our work. We need a village of cheerleaders. 

It would be really easy for me to compare myself to my friends Jill and Mary, to be jealous of their amazing camp, to consider them my competition. A lot of examples, especially from reality TV, tell you girls that’s what grown women do–step on each other to get ahead. Sadly some women/girls do that. But that’s not the type of friend I want to have nor do I want to be. Jill and Mary are doing remarkable work, similar to what I do but our angles are different, and there is enough room for us both AND all of the other women we’ve connected with doing this work. If we compared ourselves and made others our competition, we would not be able to do this work effectively. So instead, we are cheerleaders for each other. They recommend my podcast to girls they work with, I tell my audience about their camp, we introduce each other to new connections. I cherish the friendship we share.

You girls don’t have to wait until you’re adults to practice this. Find friends who will be happy for your successes, who will be a shoulder to lean on when you’re low, who you know your name is safe with them when you’re not around. If you’re giving that to a friend but not receiving it, that’s not reciprocal. Friendships are like a bridge, they’re built from both sides. The world needs less haters and hecklers and more villagers. Surround yourself with friends who will be your cheerleaders.

Closing Thoughts

If you already have friends who fit these descriptions, I’m truly happy for you. If you don’t, please know I see you. I’ve had friends who didn’t boost my average, or they were the same as me and we weren’t growing, or they weren’t my cheerleaders. Some of those friends were toxic (see episode 051) but others we kinda just drifted and we’re still friendly but not close. I’ve had some sad seasons longing for genuine friends to surround myself with. But because of the difficult friendships and sad times I endured, I now have greater appreciation for the dear friends I have now. I want that for you too. Like writer Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “The only way to have a friend is to be one,” it may take you reaching out to new people, being willing to let others in, and being the friend to them that you want to have. Over time you can develop the type of friendships you want to surround yourself with. 

“Surround Yourself With” Poster Printable

To help you, I created a “Surround Yourself With” poster for you to print out, personalize, and post on your wall where you’ll see it, remember it, practice it, and believe it — that’s the important part.

Resources

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