Secrets Are No Fun

Back in episode 110 we talked about building trust and its pillars of honesty, integrity, and consistency. Today I want to branch off of Trust and talk about Secrets. *GASP* Now there’s a lot to unpack about secrets. First let’s explain the difference between a secret and things shared in confidence. In the context of teen and tween interactions, how I see it is, secrets are about hiding information, sometimes with good intentions, sometimes bad. In general, I’m not a big fan of secrets because they often involve concealing details to benefit one person while using someone else (more on that later).

Something Shared In Confidence

In contrast, something shared in confidence–confiding in someone–involves trust. This helps people connect with others, not feel so alone, and relieve some weight of what they’re carrying mentally or emotionally. When a friend tells you something in confidence, you have a responsibility not to break their trust. For example, your friend tells you who their crush is–they tell you trusting that you won’t tell others, especially their crush. Or your friend opens up about why she’s mad at another friend–she opens up to you with the expectation that you won’t openly talk about it in your group. Or your friend shares an embarrassing story–he shares this to laugh it off together with you, believing that later on you won’t laugh about it with other people.

Not Your News

Even if the roles were reversed, and you’d be okay with your friend telling others what you said, that’s not an excuse to break their confidence. What they told you is between the two of you; if your friend wants others to know, let them share it. It’s not your business, it’s theirs. Even if your friend doesn’t specifically say not to tell anyone, don’t broadcast what they told you–it’s not your news to share. Chances are, if you do share it, eventually your friend will find out.

There’s an old saying that goes, “Bad news travels fast.” And now that so many kids have a phone or smart device, news travels even faster, making it that much harder to control how it spreads. Someone screenshots a text thread and DMs it to a bunch of people, who then share it in their group chats, who then post it on social media. See what I mean? Even though you didn’t tell them to react like that, teens and tweens are impulsive thanks to an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex in their brain, so they don’t think through the consequences of their actions. That means you need to think it through, because your peers likely aren’t concerned about the impact that spreading your friends’ news will have on you and your friend, since it doesn’t involve them.

Don’t Spill Others’ Tea

While it can feel kind of exciting to know a juicy piece of information, and you want to share that excitement with someone else, don’t spill other people’s tea. If you share what others tell you in confidence, people will learn to not trust you. Your friends may not be as open with you in fear that you’ll gossip about them. That can have a negative effect on your relationships and potentially end them, too. You don’t want your friends talking about you behind your back and spilling your tea, so show them the same respect.

I remember, several years back, I shared something in confidence with a few of my closest friends. It was very personal and important to me, I even wrote down who I shared it with. Not long after, another friend in our group–who I hadn’t told–made a comment about that thing I shared in confidence with our other friends. I was surprised she knew about it, and I felt betrayed by my other “friends” who told her. Yep, even adults break trust sometimes. Eventually that friend group dissolved, and I learned to be more cautious about who I confide in.

Secrets Harm Someone

Now about secrets. Like I mentioned before, secrets are about hiding information, and often involve concealing details to benefit one person while using someone else. Unlike something shared in confidence, secrets are less about trust and connection, and are more about hierarchy and control. Some people use secrets as a way to manipulate others–they know certain information about an individual, so they require something in exchange for keeping that individual’s secret a secret. They might even threaten to expose the secret if the individual doesn’t do what they want. That is not a hallmark of a healthy relationship; that’s straight up toxic.

Secrets Not To Keep

There are some types of secrets you probably shouldn’t keep. If it’s about illegal behavior or a crime, if it involves any sort of abuse of others or even you, if it is about past/present/future harm to themselves or to others, that shouldn’t be a secret you have to keep. Those are all safety risks, so tell a trusted adult like a parent/teacher/coach, report it to law enforcement, or even make an anonymous tip–in Vegas we have one for our school district and police department, you may have something similar where you live.

Sometimes teens and tweens keep secrets from their parents to avoid getting in trouble. While it’s developmentally typical behavior, I don’t recommend it. Even if you think you’re good at lying or keeping secrets, the cover up story keeps growing until it becomes too big to contain, and eventually the truth comes out. You might get in even more trouble for not only keeping a secret, but also for lying about it. Then you’ve got to start repairing the damage to your parents’ trust. So instead of keeping a secret, consider approaching your parents like this: first, explain that you have something important you want to tell them. Next, acknowledge that they may not like hearing what you’re about to share, and that you will accept responsibility and possible consequences. Finally express to them that right now you really need them to listen to you and try to understand. And then share the secret. Give your parents a chance. Even if you get in some trouble, you might feel some relief from not having to keep the secret any longer.

What To Do If …

What do you do when friends tell other people something you told them in confidence? Well, if you confront them about it, instead of attacking them with ALL CAPS texts or cornering them in class, try to stay calm, and stick to the facts and your feelings by using I-statements. Like, “I heard that you told (what’s-his-name) that I’d rather just be friends with him. That was something I shared in confidence, and I feel hurt when people tell others things I said in private.” Give them an opportunity to take responsibility and apologize, because everyone makes mistakes. If it happens again, you may need to also draw a boundary with that friend, and consider limiting what you share with them in confidence. 

On the flipside, what do you do when YOU share something they told you in confidence? Just remember–your friend will probably find out, so would you rather wait for that to happen or preemptively address it? Either way, you’ll need to apologize for sharing what they said and breaking their trust. We talked about how to do this in episode 009 if you wanna dive deeper: first Own It and say what you did wrong, then Feel and Empathize by expressing how you feel bad for what you did and recognize your friend’s feelings, and finally Make It Right by saying what you’ll do differently and asking how you can make it up to them. 

When I was a teen I learned this saying, “Secrets secrets are no fun, secrets secrets hurt someone.” I hope you now have a better understanding of the difference between secrets and things shared in confidence, and how to handle them. And if you end up sharing something you shouldn’t have, remember that everyone makes mistakes, so keep trying to do better.

Resources

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