Love, Me

It’s Valentine’s Day! And whether or not you celebrate, I want you to know how much I love you. Really though, I absolutely adore each and every single one of you girls. Even if I don’t know you personally, I am still sending you my love from Las Vegas to wherever you are.

Because frankly, there is too much hate in the world–hate for groups of people, hate for those who live, love, or believe differently, hate on social media, and especially hate for ourselves. There is far too much. And as Bad Bunny shared during his Super Bowl performance, “The only thing more powerful than hate is love.”

Love is Hard

Earlier this week, I hosted my annual Galentine‘s party–my friends and I enjoyed sweet treats while chatting and laughing together. And before our Favorite Things gift exchange, I wanted to try something new. I asked each of my friends to think about and write down something they love about themselves. I acknowledged that it may be way easier to think of something we loved about one of our friends in the room. But for some reason, it is much harder to think of something we love about ourselves, in fact it’s easier to think of something we don’t love about ourselves. I reminded my friends that we spend a lot of our time and energy giving love to others through kindness and service, and it’s important to show ourselves love as well.

It took a few minutes for my friends to think of something and write it down, but eventually we all had one thing that we loved about ourselves. Then I invited those who wanted to share, to tape their paper to a little stick and to tell us what they love about themselves as they placed it in a pretty pink cake. Every time a gal shared what she loved about herself, we all cheered and clapped for her. It was beautiful to see girls not only celebrating each other, but especially to see them celebrating themselves.

I’ve been reflecting on that activity for the past few days, wondering why it is so hard for us to think of something we love about ourselves. And why is it so easy to think of something we don’t love about ourselves. I imagine that if I had asked my friends to write down something that they don’t like, many would’ve needed more paper because their list would go on and on.

Messages Not to Love

But I already know why it is so hard for us to think of something we love about ourselves, it’s because we live in a world that tells us we shouldn’t love ourselves. Society says it’s selfish and arrogant for women and girls to think highly of themselves (even though it’s acceptable for men and boys). We’re supposed to be humble and modest, not take credit for what we accomplished, not draw too much attention to ourselves. 

The beauty/diet/wellness/fashion/fitness industries hound us with all the things we should change–our skin, face, hair, body hair, body shape, body size. We’re supposed to become a different version of ourselves before we are allowed to love who we are. And WE convince ourselves that we are not deserving of love from other people, especially from ourselves, because how we look, or who we are, or how we think, or what we have/haven’t accomplished is not enough to earn love.

And so we spend hours scrutinizing and criticizing our features in the mirror, or overthinking something we said or should’ve said instead, or thinking we are broken beyond repair and not worth fixing, or wishing we had someone else’s life–anyone else’s except who we are right now. And those hours we spend rejecting ourselves add up to days, which turn into weeks, months, and years.

Less Rejection/Resistance + More Acceptance/Embracing

Girls, I am 41, and I have spent far too much time in my life looking for things I thought were “wrong” with me or hating parts of myself or trying to change what didn’t need fixing. And while self love comes easier for me now, I still hear that critical voice in my head sometimes, I still have to deal with negative self-talk thoughts. What I’ve found is, the less I reject myself and how I look/act/think, the less I believe what society and the industries say I “should” be, the less I try to resist who I am (especially things I cannot control); the less I do those things, the more I can accept, embrace, and even love my whole self.

And while it is definitely easier said than done, just like any skill, you get better with practice. In fact, it will likely be something you have to practice throughout your life, so you might as well start now. So I’ve got some exercises you can try.

Quote Note

Sometimes you’ve got to find healthy, productive ways to let out negative noise. So when your critical self-talk gets too loud, grab a pen and paper and start writing your thoughts–no need to format it, spell check, edit in any way, just let it out. But before you start writing, begin the first line with a quotation mark. Because this is a Quote Note–you are quoting what your negative thoughts are saying to you in this note. But your negative thoughts aren’t necessarily true, nor are they who you are. So make it a quote of a run on sentence, a list, a five paragraph essay, whatever it is. And when you’re done writing, close the quotation marks. Now that you’ve let that out of your head and out of your system, since those thoughts aren’t worth saving, like I’ve suggested in the past, crumple up that Quote Note, rip it into shreds, stomp on it, and throw it in the trash where it belongs. Hopefully you’re now feeling a little better than before.

Self-Love Collection

You may already have a collection of seashells or coins or vinyl records that you’ve collected from different times or places in your life. Your Self-Love Collection can be similar. You can start it by taking some uninterrupted, undistracted time each month to write down a list of things you love about your younger self–your magical imagination playing in your backyard, your perseverance to keep trying to tie your shoes, your obsession with all things ladybugs. Whatever it is, write down what you love about younger you, and either keep your Self-Love Collection in a dedicated journal or write them on individual sticky notes and put them in a jar, you get the idea. Start your collection. It may feel easier to write about the you from the past in the same way that it’s easier to think of what you love about a friend, like we said earlier. Eventually we want you to get caught up to the present-time so you can write things you love about yourself now. And then when you need a boost, you can look through your collection. If you keep practicing this, like choose a date every month to do it, you’ll not only have a tangible collection of things you love about yourself, but you’ll also grow self-love inside you. And like any collection, it may also take some time to build, but unlike the varying monetary value for collections of things, your Self-Love Collection will be of infinite worth to you.

Borrow for a Bit

There may be times when it’s especially hard to love yourself. And I’m sorry if you’re there right now. May I suggest you Borrow someone else’s for a Bit. When you borrow something from a friend–a pencil, a jacket, a few dollars–you eventually return it, right? So in the same way, when it’s hard to love yourself, please reach out to a trusted friend or adult, and ask them to tell you something they love about you. Write it down and put it somewhere you’ll see it every day. Make it your phone wallpaper even. Keep reminding yourself what they shared that they love about you, and eventually allow yourself to start believing it and loving it too. Like borrowing an item, eventually you won’t need it from your friend anymore, that’s the goal. So you’re only gonna Borrow for a Bit, and then you can gently start your own Self-Love Collection. And later on if you get stuck or low and can’t think of something you love about yourself, you can always turn to a friend or trusted adult and Borrow for a Bit again until you can do it on your own.

PS – If you want more self-love support, you can relisten to episode 010 or 120. Again, I want you girls to know how much I love you. And I know there are people in your life who love you. I hope that you can also become someone who loves you.

Resources

If you have a topic suggestion, I’d love to hear from you! Send an email (tweens get the OK from your parents) to hello@EmpowerfulGirls.com .

If you have social media already, follow me on Insta or tiktok @empowerfulgirls. I’m not encouraging or endorsing social media, but I’m on there to offer an unfiltered, uplifting alternative to what’s in your feed. Remember to get on the email list for the newsletter!

Also, if you enjoy listening to 10 for Teens + Tweens, I would truly appreciate you telling your friends about this podcast or leaving a review so others can find it and feel uplifted, too! Your support means the world to me!